This is the Story of a Girl...

i havent written in a while because i havent had much to say. nothing has really caught my attention enough for me to write about. but just this week, something inspired me. maybe its my anger talking; no... its not anger, i dont know what to call it just yet. ill figure it out, hopefully by the time i am done writing.

here goes...

im not a bitter person. im not a jealous person. im not a very spiritual person. but i do get angery, hurt, and i  do believe in a higher power.

im not quite sure how karma works, or if in deed it does. because i believe karma should have bitten me, and it would have bitten hard by now. or maybe it will bite later on in my life. but it seems that karma has gotten a person i used to believe i was in love with. i dont want to say i am happy about this, but i am hoping that this person finally realizes what they are doing and that they learn from all of this.

if you are reading this and you dont know me, you might be thinking that i am a cold hearted person or that i am a bitter person. but i can assure you, i am not. here is a little background story about this whole situation...

a few years ago i thought i had fallen in love. i honestly thought (like a lot of teenage girls do) that this person was the one. (cheesy. right?) well, turns out that this person was shady and had many more girls on the side. things ended. different boyfriends, different girlfriends. we were now different people.  i had forgiven the situation because true love will always be able to fix things (or at least i thought it was true). we stopped talking for a while, and did so for a while. but somehow we always seemed to go back to one another, not always in the honest way. when it was finally an honest relationship, things were great. but our pasts werent going to let it continue be great. after a few months, things finally ended. i havent spoken to that person in months.

ive always known the type of person he was, i just never wanted to admit it. afraid that if i did, i would be the fool. but i was still a fool for letting this continue for 6 years. all the lies that were told. all the people that i hurt. everything seemed worth it because i was selfish, only my happiness mattered. i know it shouldnt have continued but i felt as if i couldnt stop.

i truly say that i am sorry for my actions, and all the hurt they caused people.

i am now im a better place, a much happier place, with my life. i have finally let go of the negativity. i am still selfish, but not in a way that will hurt others or myself. i dont know what the future holds for me, but i am willing to find out. it doesnt scare me like it used to.

11 Weeks Have Felt Like an Eternity...

but next week is finals week and i'll be done with my first quarter at Ai! i get a few weeks of summer vacation before summer quarter begins. i need to take advantage! i cant wait!

Where Has The Time Gone?

sometimes it feels like only yesterday we were breaking up. and now we are making up and pretending it hasnt happened. i am a bit to good and hiding and pushing away my feelings, as hard as i might try to find flaws in people...i dont know why yours are always forgiven. all that we have been through and have put each other through is a lot different from the others. im just taking things day by day; riding this roller coaster out. i dont know where things might go, and i dont know how i truly feel about that.

Say Something

or better yet, stop saying something. 

i dont understand why people put their business out there for the world to see, and then they act surprised when people ask or put in their two cents about the situation. attention dumb ass: by putting your  situation as your status updates you are letting people into your problems. regardless if you dont use names it is pretty obvious. so stop 'smh' and calling out people on status'.

thanks.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

"is this a lasting treasure? or just a moments pleasure?"

are all these feelings coming out of the woodwork because things arent going great for you? i dont doubt the feelings you have for me, and i cant hide the feelings i have for you. i just dont know if this is great timing. or even if it should even happen. i dont want to mess up the great thing you have going on; but regardless of what does end up happening, i know our friendship will remain the same. i value your friendship more than you can even begin to imagine.

If I Had No More Time...

so many different thoughts racing through my head. maybe its the three cups of coffee in my system, the lack of sleep, or maybe the warm feelings i have. i dont know what to think or feel. happy? guilty? but im mosdef excited. hahah.

You Be Illin'

answer me this, why do people chose to sugarcoat or "baby" their friends? wouldnt you want your friend to be honest and upfront with you? i dont understand people who baby their friends. if you were my friend i would want you to tell me when i was wrong, acting like a jerk, or when i am mean. i wouldnt think anything of it, if its coming from a friend. thats what friends are supposed to do, right? or do i have the wrong concept of being a friend? 

Soul Flower, Take Me Flying With You

"cuz i want you to be happy even if its not with me"

this type of reply was never intended or wanted. it shouldnt be coming from of you. you are with someone else. and even though you might look happy, i dont want to see you unhappy. sometimes it feels like you do things to keep yourself temporarily happy. shouldnt you want to be happy for more than a couple of hours, days, and weeks?

It's A Small World After All

recently i have been thinking about a certain person, nothing is going to happen though. it could have happened a long time ago, but i let that one slip. he got away, went away and isn't coming back. he gave me a lot of signals that i chose to ignore. i wasnt ready at the time, i dont think i would be ready for him now. he is unlike anyone else i have ever dated. he is different from all my other friends as well. he pushes me and wants me to do better. he encourages me to do my best. i dont see or speak to him as often as i would like to, but i know he is still there if i need him. in actuality, im glad that he is a friend and nothing more. i dont think i could have been anything more to him.

The Way Things Were

things can't be the way they used to be. we all grow up and grow apart. we can try to control how fast we grow apart, but in the end it will still happen. we have prolonged it for a couple years now, but it has finally reached the point where we can no longer avoid it. i like to think of myself as moving forward with my life, where as you seem to be stuck in the same place we left of at. i hope all the best for you, and i hope that you realize that you need to do something with yourself. <3

The Flaws In People

dont get the title of this post wrong or twisted. i have flaws and i am the first to admit to them, but i seem to find the flaws in others more easily (some might call it judgment, and who am i to judge. right?). i feel as if these flaws in people are made by their romanticized ideas of what there life is. for instance, i dont think that being a young mother should be put out there for the world to see (i.e. on facebook, myspace, or twitter). wouldnt you want to keep that private for only you and your family? i honestly dont see the big rush in having babies at the age of 22. why wouldnt you want to enjoy your life? you are young, have fun. i wouldnt want to be 30, and have my son/daughter be 8, and say "i wish i would have done,gone,experienced...." i dont want to say that having babies is a mistake, and wouldnt want anyone to regret it; but if you are having sex and dont want an UNEXPECTED baby...use condoms, birth control, the pull out method? do something. and do something with your life! dont you want to experience life?

Sing-A-Longs

this is my rough draft of singable songs.
1. Chasing Pavements- Adele
2. No Air- Jordin Sparks
3.  - Kelly Clarkson
4. - Taylor Swift
5. - Mariah Carey
6. Dont Speak - No Doubt
7. Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
8. You Got It Bad - Usher
9. They Dont Know - Jon B

i think i need suggestions, im stuck.

(tobecontinued...)

Two Different Guys, Two Different Situations, One Person That Doesnt Care.

both of my exs are complete and utter morons. both for diff. reasons. one, because he wants his cake and eat it too. and the second, because he gives himself too much credit for my life. one and i have had a rocky history, i did let him get away with alot. on and off but mainly off with. not always being honest, or faithful. two and i havent had that much, but we will always share a common bond. i have been able to remain friends with both because they are a big part of my life. but now, other people being in the picture, (dont get me wrong, im not the jealous type...im just over protective), is making me feel like im losing a part of my life/only with two. one and i are completely done. i have always known what kind of a dog he was, i just wasnt ready to accept it. dogs have flees, please stay away from me. two has this crazy girl that i have never met, but she seems to have this pre-disposed opinion of me. i would really rather not even get involved, but he is my friend first and my ex second. can i try to give him friendly advice without it coming off as jealous, or interested? i dont want him to get the wrong idea. hmmm...it seems that whatever i say wont matter. i just hope not to lose a great friend over a relationship that doesnt seem to be going anywhere.

Change

pen and paper have always been the best way i have been able to express myself, but with the new technology pen and paper dont seem relevant. keyboards and computer screens is where its at. lol. i mainly started this as a webdiary; i dont know who will see this or if whomever does see it, will they even care? ranting is what i like to do. i guess you can say i like to complain, but most of the time i keep it to myself. well, myself and my best. this is my first entry and its a rant about nothing. hmmm, i wonder if in time i will actually have something interesting  to talk about? keep posted, if youd like.